Andy's 'last supper' speech

Hello, and welcome to the Big Biker house. It's day one and Arthur is upset.

But before we find out why, let's just take the time to look at the events leading up to this year's Big Biker.
It was always going to be a special show, and with 13 housemates, the bad luck set in right from the beginning.
Pre-trip injuries include Tim's broken wrist, Arthur's bruised ribs, Keith's breathing difficulties and bad back, Shaun's bad knee and bad neck. Steve didn't even make it, having been personally requested by George Bush to fit weapons of mass destruction to American helicopters. What George failed to realise is that Steve's speciality is turning the whole thing into a weapon of self-destruction with his dodgy programming.

Some of the housemates were allowed into the Big Biker house early.
Edwin, the group's leader and de-facto rep, arrived a week in advance. The qualities required for a rep are friendliness, sociability, personability, empathy, local knowledge, and a commonality with the general public. Like we said at the beginning, this was always going to be a special show.
As well as Edwin; Dave, Andy, Arthur, Shaun, and Forbes have also arrived. Over dinner this advance group quickly fall into their usual friendly banter which consists of goading, insult, sarcasm, rudeness, bigotry, racism, and fascism. The owners of the chalet, Marcus and Gina, are a delightful couple, and quickly become horrified at the prospect of a week trapped with this bunch of misfits.

It’s Saturday, day 1 in the Big Biker house.

Throughout the day the housemates begin to arrive; Tim, Simon, Mark, Alex and the Simpsons – sorry, that’s the Dawsons. Similar kind of thing but slightly more dysfunctional.
Everyone has a good look round their new accommodation. All seems perfectly normal apart from one locked door with a large “Private – keep out” sign on it.
Apart from Sarah, there’s a noticeable lack of girls, which could prove tricky as the week progresses.
Shaun is sent into town in Arthur’s Merc to fetch some posh wine. Three others pile in. It’s a simple 5km drive to the village. This is the Big Biker house however, so it’s no surprise that within 200m, on one of the quietest roads in rural France, disaster strikes in the form of a Gallic white van man – or blanc van homme as they are known locally.
Let’s take a moment to look at what happened next from the point of view of the gitane smoking, stripy vest wearing, late-middle-aged blanc van homme.
You’ve driven this lane more times than you’ve run away in a war, more times than you’ve claimed an EEC farming subsidy, even more times than you’ve blocked the channel tunnel with all your mates. You’re humming along to a nice bit of Sasha Distel on the radio when suddenly round the corner in the middle of the road comes a great big truck from the Fatherland, being driven by a great big thug in a union jack bandanna. Instinctively you swerve, but zut alors! Le buffoon Anglais deliberately matches your every move and smacks into your little Fiat. Fortunately the mighty truck from the Fatherland is actually one that is built in the USA, so it promptly falls to bits leaving your petit Fiat unscathed.
As it’s day one, no one can nominate anyone for eviction, but at this point it is probably not too difficult to work out who Arthur would vote for.

Arthur is called to the diary room.
“Hello Arthur.”
“Hello Big Biker.”
“Would you like to discuss the day’s events with Big Biker?”
...
“I’m sorry Arthur, but we can’t possibly broadcast that.”

It’s 11pm. Big Biker has provided the housemates with plenty of alcohol.
Although everyone is equal in the Big Biker house, Arthur has decided that he’s not happy with the alcohol provided, so has got gently pissed on a few bottles of decent claret, which only cost a few Euros – plus the cost of the trashed car of course.
On the terrace, the youngest of the Dawson family, Liam, is performing tricks for the group. Big Biker has made a special dispensation tonight to allow gambling. Mark provides the 50 Zlotys. No one is exactly sure what you can get for 50 Zlotys, but we can exclusively reveal that in Zlotyland it gets you 1/2 kilo of crack, four blowjobs, or a stolen-to-order BMW. At least that was what Mark was told when Arthur offered this as a month’s wages for working for him.
Liam warms to his task. He learnt most of his tricks whilst he was on a discovery trip to Thailand. Unfortunately, he spent most of his time high as a kite and as a result the tricks he learnt were in his hallucinogenic subconscious only, and consequently are completely crap. Within half an hour he’s pushed up his student loan by 500 quid and ridiculed himself in front of the group.
Liam is called to the diary room and given another dummy to replace the one he’s just spat out.
Meanwhile, in the lounge, Arthur gives bedtime readings from his favourite book – “Mein Kampf”.

Sunday: Day 2.

All the Big Biker housemates except Tim are biking today.
Over breakfast all the boys pass comment on the size and firmness of Gina’s croissants.
The group have been warned that the biking here is much more extreme than they are used to, and they all listen intently and as usual take plenty of notice. As the group leave on their bikes Gina can be heard on the phone ordering the lamb for tonight’s dinner. She backs a hunch, sensing today may be he first day of evictions.
“Oui Monsieur, je voudrais l’agreau pour ce soir pour ... douze personne. Merci.”

Today’s task is to go out all day and return with all bikes in working order, and with no injuries. After a brief discussion, the group decides to bet nothing on completing the task successfully.
The day turns out to be eventful even by this lot’s standards. Edwin and Andy retire early with mechanical failures. In a concerted effort to prove that youthful exuberance doesn’t in any way match ability, Liam and Forbes crash dramatically within 10 minutes of each other.
At approximately 4pm all the housemates receive a message through the chip which has been implanted in their brain.
“This is Big Biker. The first person to be evicted from the Big Biker house will be ...”
But before Big Biker can utter another word, the group all yell “KEITH!”
Yes, to no-one’s surprise, Keith has been hospitalised before the weekend is over. He’s kept in overnight so the doctors can study the images in his brain. Later, one is admitted to the local mental institute where he will remain for the rest of his days, and the other committed suicide.
Later, Arthur shares a gruesome story of penile mutilation with the group, which we have cut on the grounds of taste.

3am and the Big Biker house is silent apart from the storm raging outside.
Up in the attic however, something more sinister is taking place. Crazed screams reverberate throughout the building for half an hour, followed by a gentle whimpering until dawn breaks.

Day 3 in the Big Biker house; and it’s raining.

All the housemates are having breakfast. Someone enquires about the screaming during the night. Mark is noticeably withdrawn and quiet. Shaun informs the group that Mark awoke with cramp in the night and he had to calm him down. As Mark quietly leaves the table however his t-shirt lifts up and etched onto his back in blood can clearly be seen the words “Shaun’s bitch”.

The weather and yesterday’s excitement have left the group a little subdued today. Nevertheless, in the afternoon they head off to Les Gets in search of lunch and excitement. Gradually, as they walk around the village a sense of normality begins to return. It’s short-lived however, because Dave is soon caught red handed hanging round the kiddies’ carousel taking pictures of a particularly cute young girl who seems to be enjoying herself hugely going round and round whilst impaled on a lion’s erection. Before he can be pulled away he approaches a young boy.
“Hello young boy, would you like to come on my carousel for a bag of sweets?”
“No chance, Monsieur, but I’ll come in your face for 10 Euros.”

Simon, Andy, Edwin and Liam head for the Devalkarts. These are go karts with no engines and balloon tyres which you ride happily down a gentle slope. The guys take 6 goes each. The owner of the karts has no idea of the carnage this group has caused in the 48 hours they’ve been in the country so he happily accepts their money and sends them up on the lift.
Let’s take a moment to look at the ensuing events from the point of view of Devalkart number 26, who for the sake of this report we’ll call Veronique.
Veronique is 16 years old, well into middle age for a Devalkart, but she’s looked after herself well and could pass for a kart much younger with her fine red paint and shiny steering wheel. Oh, she’s had her ups and downs – they all have – but it’s been a good life up until now. She’s lined up nicely with her friends Renee, Marie-France and Edith when suddenly four English boys come running along and plonk themselves down into their bottom embracing seats.
All goes well until the last run. Veronique has noticed that the boys have been getting a bit over-excited, and have been blatantly ignoring the “no racing” signs. Furthermore, Veronique doesn’t think she likes her boy very much, he seems to have far too many piercings for one thing. Suddenly they’re off, screaming and shouting. None of them is using their brakes, and they’re all driving far too recklessly. A large crowd has gathered at the bottom, and there are cameramen on the hill.
Round one bend, Renee squeaking on her right. Round another, Marie-France screaming as she cuts her up. Round another when suddenly Veronique is lifted high off the ground and spins round and round then bang! She hits the ground with a thump. The last thing Veronique sees as her life blood fades is the rude pierced boy holding up a large chunk of her steering column, and all the other horrid English boys laughing and cheering.

Back at the Big Biker house, Keith has been released back into the community. He is called to the diary room.
“Hello Keith.”
“Hello Big Badger.”
“Er, are you feeling better, Keith?”
“Yes thankyou Grandma. My, what big eyes you’ve got. Is that the time? Goodness me I must be going. Did I mention what big eyes you’ve got? Have you met my large rabbit friend Harvey?”
“Thankyou Keith.”
“Oh look at all the lovely pink elephants.”
“Thankyou Keith.”
“Are you single?”
“Please leave the diary room, Keith. Big Biker will bring you some medication in a little while.”
“The badger did it!”
“Thankyou, Keith.”

Day 4.

It’s day 4 and today’s task for the housemates is to visit Switzerland.
They aim to leave the house for around 9 o’clock and due to the usual mount of general mayhem and dithering actually leave at 10:30. The day goes relatively smoothly until the group attempt the Swiss red downhill run. For some of the group this was the most difficult singletrack they had ever attempted, so it was always odds on favourite to provide the entertainment for the day. The fast boys took a run down, then due to a mechanical from Forbes, got a chance to go up the chairlift and do it again. This gave them a fine view of Shaun thundering down the course at the speed of light – sorry, that should read 'wandering down the course like a lump of shite'. However, seriously, it must be said that Shaun kept his dignity and nailed the course for which a big round of applause is deserved.
On the second run, Edwin spectacularly wiped out on a hairpin.
However, first prize went firmly to Alex. Satellite photography has confirmed that there were no cows within 1 1/2 km of the downhill course, but somehow Alex managed to cover his backside and legs completely in cow shit. The worrying part is that it appears that this was not accidental. After falling off he actually had to crawl up a bank to find the thinly crusted delicacy before rubbing himself all around in it. But why did he do it? Was it really so he could expose himself to some elderly walkers whilst washing his bits in a stream? Or was it to make Edwin feel more comfortable sharing with the working classes, whom he is used to identifying by their smell of dirt and dung?

Back at the house after dinner, Edwin is called to the diary room.
“Hello Edwin.”
“It’s ‘good evening my Lord’ actually, and could you speak with a little more deference please.”
“Whatever, Edwin. Tell us about your crash today.”
“Lost it on a corner due to my fantastic speed, Big Biker.”
“Did anyone see this crash Edwin?”
“No”
“Didn’t Andy and Dave both witness this crash Edwin?”
“Maybe.”
“’Maybe’, Edwin?”
“Oh OK, YES, YES!”
“And were you hurt or scarred Edwin?”
“Only mentally Big Biker, only mentally.”
“Thankyou Edwin, you can go now.”
“Can’t I stay for a bit more humiliation, Big Biker?”
“No, Edwin, I’m sorry, this isn’t public school.”
“Well, can I call you Matron then?”
“If you like, Edwin, if you like.”

Day 5.

It’s day 5 and the group is now completely fragmented.
Today’s task for Dave and Andy is to locate the radio Andy lost yesterday. They head up the mountain then begin the careful walk down searching on either side of the track. Half way down an elderly French couple with an equally elderly small scruffy Tibetan terrier ask them why they’re not riding. In fluent French Andy tells them they lost a radio yesterday. Everyone looks confused, which is hardly surprising because what he actually said was “we forgot a radio tomorrow”. Eventually the couple understand and promise to look on their way up. Dave offers to help give the dog the scent by letting it sniff his underpants. The startled couple hurry on up the hill with renewed vigour. Even the dog looks shocked, which is pretty impressive for an elderly terrier with arthritis in its back legs.

After all meeting up for lunch in town, one group head off to film Big Biker – the movie, whilst others go for a more gentle ride. It looks like the day could pass without serious incident, but no.
Whilst executing a double leap with a half twist over a 20 foot drop down the black world cup course, Mark is savagely attacked by a migrating Siberian tiger. He manages to fight the beast off but with his final heroic chop to its neck he unfortunately damages his wrists and has to retreat to Morzine medical centre to have them set in plaster.
At this point I would like to thank Mark for agreeing to sponsor tonight’s speech, and would assure the audience that his contribution has in no way altered the recording of the day’s events.

In the evening a wandering band of gypsies appear at the chalet, with all their worldly possessions, and telling fortunes. At first the housemates are enthusiastic, but become suspicious when one of the gypsies lets slip that they are not in fact from Hungary, but from Berkshire. And so is revealed how the Horner family are scamming their way round Europe to pay for the new car, their holiday and their son’s forthcoming education.

Later, at dinner, Gina serves a beautiful meal of pork. Marcus comes in with a large tray. “Vegetables?”
Everyone looks down to Keith, Tim, and Mark. “They’ll just have a bag of crisps”.

After dinner Mark is called into the diary room.
“Hello, Mark.”
“Hello, Big Biker.”
“How are you feeling after your accident?”
“Both good and bad, actually, Big Biker.”
“Why is that, Mark?”
“Well the good bit is that no-one can call me a wanker any more.”
“And the bad bit?”
“Well the bad bit is that Shaun’s demands will now be a little more difficult to accommodate.”

Day 6.

With perfect military precision, Edwin the rep manages to get the whole group up, out, and to the top of the mountain before 10am. Unfortunately the weather today is atrocious, and eventually the day is abandoned.
We’ll take the opportunity therefore to list the record breaking havoc the housemates have wrought during their time in France. To make it topical in such a food-loving country, it’s in the form of a menu of the day.